gummies

i read some good advice this morning.. on talking about children and our lives,.. and how sometimes we want to fit a child into our 'plans' for the day.. or our life as we see it.. and we get angry when they fuss, or cry, or refuse to get into the car seat... the piece of advice was to truly evaluate whether or not you are frustrated at your child for actively disobeying, OR whether you are frustrated that your child is not following what your envisioned agenda was for that day..

i know that sounds like pure common sense, but i KNOW there has already been days where I am dressed and ready to go, every imaginable needed thing in the diaper bag, naptime is on schedule, feeding is done: this plane is ready for takeoff .....and BOOOOOOOM 'diaper explosion', and i feel upset. .I feel like everything was planned and ready, and now i am late..  and plans change, or cannot go 'on schedule' like they use to. 

You see, I am the type of person who thrives on crossing things off lists. (Sometimes i will even go as far as adding something TO the list that i know i can complete: so i feel satisfied.. craazzzzzzzy  i know.. but there are others out there like me.. i just know it)

 Already on this journey I have had plans with friends I have had to cancel, a screaming child I have tried to put into a carseat, a day of errands cutt short in order to feed him, or, *gasp* having to watch the Bachelor finale, online,  24 hours after the winner is announced,  because it happens to fall on his bedtime that I am trying to make routine. . . .

and to be honest,  there is still a little part of me that is still finding it difficult to adjust.. to realize, its not going to happen how i want it to anymore.. i can try my hardest to plan, to synchronize, to create routines and schedules to make things flow easier.. but.. there are going to be days i need to realize the most important thing right now is being a mother.. and being a mother means not being in control of all the little details of MY life anymore..

the funny thing is, one day it happened.. he was fed, changed, in the car seat and ready to go .. and lo and behold i could not get the stroller into the car.. it just got stuck and hard and hard as i pushed and thundered at it, it would NOT fit into the trunk. . . i had to call my friend, cancel plans, go BACK inside and i was in a full out pout. All my carefully laid plans extinguished.. 

 

 but you know what happened that day? 

 

 

I unbundled Jackson, went upstairs, sat on my bed with him, and he just smiled back at me.. unphased by my carefully laid plans that ran a-muck.. just happy to be there, smiling his gummy smile up at me, kcking his chubby little hamhock thighs

 

.. and .. you know what- those are the moments I will remember in the end.

 the simple moments of gummy smiles with my baby boy. 

I would not trade that smile for a lifetime of Bachelor finale parties -that i will surely forget.